The Good in Guilt.

I see the baby grows again in Tesco and for the first time, I smile. I think of how cute it would've looked on Sophia and how I imagine a future with other babies. But then it happens. My stomach sinks as I begin to feel guilty for being happy, I feel guilty that Sophia isn't my only thought. It's a constant thought battle that I've faced especially this last month. My thoughts tell me I'm a terrible mother for smiling when I've lost my child, but for the first time in three months, I was able to tell those thoughts I know my Sophia smiles with me when I smile.

It's only been three months since losing Sophia, I'm getting a new sense of who I am and how I want to live my life. I'm beginning to smile more naturally and be able to enjoy the beautiful things in life but whenever I notice my happiness, guilt still tries to take over. I guess it's one of those other normal parts of grief though. Those negative emotions love to try creep and steal the positive. I feel I should never be happy, how could I be when I've lost my princess. How can I smile when my heart is still broken. It's wrong to smile when I've lost my baby right? How dare I not think of her for even a brief moment!

Sophia Elizabeth Diaz (Our Angel)

Speaking to some parents about this feeling and those who have felt this way during grief I've begun to tell myself Sophia would love that I felt happy naturally. I know that's true because as I think back to my own childhood I remember smiling when I saw my own parents enjoying life. I think that's why for the first time guilt couldn't take my smile away. For the first time, I was able to say that maybe Sophia was pinching my cheeks to make me smile, maybe Sophia put those beautiful thoughts of future children into my head while also being able to think of how cute they would've looked on her. Sophia lives through me as part of me went with her, a piece of her stayed with me. So when I smile, I will always smile with Sophia. I think allowing myself to feel this way pushed that guilt to the side.

I think part of the guilt is the fear of forgetting her, because she has been my only thought for so long. I think when I notice my genuine happiness and enjoyment for life, guilt tells me I'm bad because I'm not thinking of Sophia. I feel I've learned though, I can never forget Sophia. Those moments of enjoyment are a part of life, when that guilty thought comes in, I tell myself that Sophia is there with me and she'd be smiling at her mummy smiling. I guess guilt helps bring Sophia into my thoughts more, so maybe guilt doesn't mean to be so unfriendly. I love thinking of my angel and if I can enjoy natural moments and she pops into my head then she'll only motivate me to keep smiling.

The Feelings Wheel by Dr Gloria Willcox

If you remember the feelings wheel I've spoken about several times before, guilt is linked to sadness. Sadness is a normal part of grief. So it makes sense that guilt can creep in. But remember the thoughts we have been provoked by emotions, if you ignore those thoughts for a moment and look at that emotion I think guilt is actually trying to be helpful. I think guilt is telling us we can't forget our loved one, in a way guilt is helping our loved one be a part of the moment. Guilt is reminding us that we have loved someone and losing them brought sadness, but guilt tells us to involve them in our happiness. But really I guess it's down to how we change those unwanted thoughts that guilt can bring. If we can thank guilt and tell guilt we feel our loved ones smiling with us then maybe our happiness can overtake the sadness that comes with guilt. Perhaps acknowledging the emotion and looking at the positives of that emotion can help us rephrase some of those nasty thoughts. Even reminding ourselves that we know we can never forget, but thanks guilt for bringing our attention to our babies.

Winnie the Pooh art by Stephanie Maloney

Guilt still creeps in daily for me, but I'm starting to notice it can't overtake my genuine happiness. I do strongly believe the guilt we feel is just part of grief. There have been occasions recently where I've smiled and laughed with friends and loved ones, and guilt has crept in, but it's these occasions that have also lead to finally being able to acknowledge that guilt just wants to remind me Sophia's always with me. So when I feel guilt, I'll tell myself to keep enjoying my time, I'll thank guilt for bringing Sophia into my thoughts in these naturally happy moments and I will smile with my Sophia.

To the parent that at times feels guilty for enjoying themselves or even just smiling, remember your baby lives through you. Our babies and children would want us to smile and enjoy our lives, though at times it seems impossible. I know it does because I've been there, I've faked smiles and I know even after writing this that I'll have days where fake smiles is all that is possible. But I've taught myself in these three months that when we cry our babies know we cry out of pure love and when we enjoy moments our babies smile with us. So whatever way we feel, we feel because we love and there is nothing wrong with that!

Sophia, Our Sleeping Beauty

Guilt is the emotion letting us know our baby is there with us. It makes us feel horrible and can try to take the happiness away but I do feel we are just being reminded that we can never forget our babies. Sophia will always be on my mind, guilt just brings her to the forefront so she can be part of the happiness too. I think we all have a friend who sometimes says the wrong thing but you know they meant differently but it came out wrong? I feel guilt is one of these friends. So I welcome guilt because I won't listen to those negative thoughts, if I ever do I know Dan will remind me that guilt is just letting Sophia be a part of the enjoyment. I will remind guilt that I know Sophia is with me always, and that when I smile she does too.

A part of me has changed, that part of me is replaced by Sophia. That part of me is being a mother and fact is I can never forget that. Guilt is a terrible emotion, but maybe it doesn't mean the harm it causes. So I'll keep smiling with and for Sophia, I'll smile at guilt for reminding me of her.

Sophia and her mummy