Saying Goodbye

Laying your loved one to rest is never easy. Whether it's your mum, your dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend or someone who acted like a guardian. It's a cruel part of life, having to place a loved one in the graveyard. Visiting their grave, I know it's something people struggle with. No one wants to face the fact that they are living a nightmare, but unfortunately this is real. Be kind to yourself, talk to others, let yourself cry and know you are not alone.

Me personally, I had always found a sense of peace, believing that the spirit of that person has left, that they go with you everywhere and their grave is somewhere you can remember and care for them. You can imagine the person laughing, smiling down on you. It brings a sense of comfort. I know for others, facing a loved one's grave has been very difficult. I felt this for the first time when I lost Sophia, I know just how hard it is to be positive. For all my other losses I had mourned for family, but with Sophia, I mourned for myself and for family. So I'm writing this to share my experience, It's about things that helped me face going to the graveyard. I know it's not a blog for everyone but if it helps one person then that's all that matters to me.

The thought of laying your beautiful baby to rest is something no parent ever wants to face but unfortunately, some parents have to face it. I am one of these parents. For me I grieved from the moment I was told she had passed away, but when you give birth to your baby, it's such an overwhelmingly positive experience that your grief, it's put on hold.

I was one of the "lucky ones" or so I've heard people tell me. Yes, I am rolling my eyes because my baby still died, I personally, wouldn't call myself lucky. But in a way maybe I am, because I got to hold my Sophia. I can tell you though, while you hold your baby, you don't think about what's next, especially when your baby has passed away. You don't want to think about life without them.

Sophia's Forever Bed by Stephanie Maloney

I couldn't think of what's was next, but when I had to face putting her in her pink coffin, my grief restarted, my heartbreak started all over again. I have to let go of something that literally is a part of me, something that me and Dan created. I have to lay her in the ground, a baby doesn't belong in the ground!! A baby doesn't belong in the graveyard. Speaking of graveyards, I'm going to refer to Sophia's grave as a forever bed. Another baby angel mother called it that one day and it spoke to me. Forever bed, it's so much softer and soothing. More suited for a baby don't you think?

But anyways, the graveyard, it's a peaceful place where you can visit loved ones right? so why was leaving Sophia there so extremely difficult? Honestly, laying her to rest there is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. While other mothers get to hold their babies close, tuck them in at night, sing and read to them. Here I am, urging to breastfeed a baby I've just given birth to but unable because my baby is gone. I long to hold onto her, to wrap her up, but my entitlements as a mother have been taken from me. I have no baby to care for and now I have to place her into darkness. My sadness and anger made me think so negatively about the forever bed, it made me not want to face it.

Bed of Flowers

I don't think I could have faced it if it wasn't for my support system. My uncle Fintan spoke to dad about making a bed of flowers for Sophia. We had never heard of this before, it was something he had seen done for other baby funerals. So Sophia's great uncle (who is the definition of great), his amazing family, Sophia's grandad and papa created one. They placed Daffodils, Roses, Daisys, any colourful flower and they created the most beautiful place for Sophia to lay to rest. The walls were even filled with Daffodils.

Although I still burst into tears, my pain didn't go away, I mean I had just buried my baby! But part of me felt reassured as I watched Sophia's papa place her pink coffin there. My sleeping beauty, in a bed of flowers, just like Snow White! (see I am a Disney fan!)

Yes, leaving her there was difficult but that reassurance that my baby was surrounded by the most beautiful flowers was soothing, on top of that we had placed teddies, photographs, letters and my Claddagh ring in her cute coffin with her. My princess was literally surrounded by love. We even placed teddies around her coffin in the ground. She was cuddled by teddies and cocooned in flowers, as once she was placed in her forever bed, my uncle, dad and fiancé covered her pink coffin in more flowers.

Once Sophia was laid to rest, I felt like I had lost myself, and in a way, I had since I carried her for her entire life. I had felt so positive in other ways, but I just didn't know how I could face going up to her forever bed again. I didn't want to see her with a pile of mud on top of her, she had been placed in such a beautiful bed of flowers. I was scared of it not being as reassuring. The ultimate fact is I didn't want to face the truth, that my baby had died. I didn't want to have to say goodbye. I just wanted to forget it all and pretend I was still pregnant, like I've said before it sounds crazy I know, but the power of the mind when grieving does not cease to amaze me.

The start of her forever bed

But when I was feeling my worst my aunty Karen bought me a mason jar with fairy lights in it. A sense of hope. I could bring something to Sophia, that I could care for her differently. I could provide light for her! Sound's weird I know, but hey if you've seen Sophia's forever bed, then you'd see how much light I've given her! Plus she has the moon and stars above her too which is always reassuring because that means she will always have light. So it was a struggle going back to her forever bed for the first time, there were lots of tears but to my surprise it looked nice, my uncle, my dad and Sophia's papa had made sure to make it look nice, for me. I placed the light down for my angel and then her mummy and papa read to her, like we do every night and will continue to do.

The next few days I remember feeling numb. I felt literally nothing but tiredness. I wanted to stay in bed but as a mental health nurse I know that's not something you should do, so I got up. Then Sophia's great uncle Fintan, made a frame for her forever bed. Along with this her other great uncle, Joe who has worked on the frontline throughout COVID 19 (one of our heroes), left the cutest little bench up next to her. You see because of COVID 19, I found it so hard to find a way to make her forever bed easier to visit and I really wanted a bench because she had the perfect little spot for one. Sophia's great aunt and uncles saved the day for me, they helped me be more comfortable with visiting her. I can't help but smile, my princess is so spoilt.

I then asked my uncle Fintan if he could make a castle headboard and of course, he said yes because it's for Sophia. So I sketched out a castle as a stencil and he made me the perfect castle headboard. At the time, I sketched it with very little motivation because I was drained. I had no energy. I felt I wouldn't be able to make it perfect for her.

While painting her castle one day, I remember breaking down. My feelings of nothingness had turned into feelings of sadness and guilt, what did I do to my baby? Why can't I just have her? I can't do a pretty castle for her. How useless can I be? Once again, negative thoughts created by negative emotions. Grief can create the worst thoughts. But thoughts are opinions, not facts, just remember that and find the emotion behind the thought. That's what you need to work on!

Eventually with my mum consoling me, I get the castle headboard finished. Personally, I think I went crooked with the writing but hey it's a pretty good job and it's quirky. My princess would have been quirky, sure look at her mummy!

So eventually her forever bed is completed and it is beautiful, all our hard work and now it's perfect. Our angel has a castle on the hill, only a princess would have that! I've made a little fairy garden, so Sophia is basically a fairy princess. I know she would have loved that! I go to her forever bed twice a day now, up to three times some days. Something I felt I could never face, I now love to face.

So what helped me find comfort in visiting her forever bed? My family.

My family encouraged me to care for Sophia's forever bed because I longed to care for Sophia but I didn't know how to. I can care for her now by looking after her forever bed, it's not what any parent wants but it's once again the only thing we can control in this situation.

I know facing loved one's forever beds after any loss is difficult. It's important to support those who grieve. Encourage them to go, help make it easier for them. Once I realised I could care for her differently, the graveyard became a positive place. Support them in facing their loved one's forever bed, call it forever bed instead of a grave if it helps. I personally think it makes it a less scary and sad place for the griever. The first few times of visiting, they are the hardest, because unfortunately, you have to face the fact that you are living a nightmare. But when you visit, you visit for them. I realised, I was never going to say goodbye. Sophia will always be with me, everywhere I go. Reading to her every night, keeps me feeling close to her. Find a way you can feel close to your loved ones, whether it's having a chat with them, reading something they liked, or even playing their song. You'll find your thing, like I found mine.

Grief makes us feel our worst, but with support, the graveyard can actually be a place full of hope, a place of peace and a place where you can care for that person who you miss.

If a person truly can't bring themselves to face the grave, still support them. Tell them you're there if they ever want to visit and remind them that forever beds are just places to visit, where you can leave gifts and provide care. Your precious baby and other loved ones are with you wherever you go though, you don't need to say goodbye! They have a place in your heart, so they are always with you, they are never alone. For me, I now smile when I visit her. I smile when I think of her. I smile when I read to her at night, see I'm still smiling for Sophia.

Sophia's Forever Bed