Return to Dublin and my wandering brain

As I sit here I feel nothing but my stomach sinking, my energy levels dropping. I feel alone, even though I'm not alone. I feel homesick. I've lived in Dublin seven years now, and I've never felt homesick, I've missed home but never physically felt sick.

Entering the flat, I'm just reminded how the last time I slept here I was still pregnant with Sophia but I knew she had passed. I'm reminded of the day spent crying before having to go to the hospital on the 25th March to give birth to Sophia. I'm reminded of my wonderful pregnancy, of morning sickness and yet I have no reward for the months I spent minding, cradling and loving my Sophia. I don't have my Sophia in my arms.

I wonder how I will be able to cope, I want to just rearrange the flat. I feel I need to, as I need to close the last chapter. In this new chapter, I will have walls and shelves filled with pictures and keepsakes of my angel Sophia and of course my new puppy Gurgi. Sophia will live on, through me.

I buried Sophia in Co. Mayo, someday I will move back home. I have to be away from her forever bed right now, I find that very difficult as I got myself in a routine of going to her every morning and night, especially at night where I would read to her. How can I find comfort in being away from her?

One week later I'm back to writing this, so far I've read to her, I've lit candles and I still feel somewhat connected to her. She is a part of me though, so I will always feel that and I love it. I love knowing Sophia will live on through me.

People forget that with baby loss you lose more than just your baby. As I sit here I'm reminded of how I was going to put a Moses basket in that corner, and I have the everymum.ie pack staring at me, almost rubbing it in my face that I don't get my baby. I'm reminded that I've lost a part of my future I had planned and hoped for. I'm reminded that my baby is gone when I look at myself in the mirror and now have no bump. I'm reminded this is all real when I automatically feel my stomach to find no kick. Now I'm at a standstill, not knowing what will happen next and that's what is hard. Trying to envision a future that will still include Sophia, because we did have her, she does exist in a different way.

I feel a part of me is still missing, and I guess it is. I bring Gurgi our puppy for walks and I see other women pregnant or pushing babies around, I feel jealous. Not because I want their babies, not at all. The only baby I want is Sophia but I can only hold her in my heart now. A lot of people judge women who have lost a baby, they feel they should get over it. But like I've said before it's not something to get over, it's something we learn to live with and you need to accept that. Women who have lost will admire your baby, not because "they want your baby", it's because your baby reminds them of the one they've lost. They want their baby. They don't want your baby, no offence we know your baby is cute but every mummy want's their own baby, the one that they lost because it's part of them. People often say "You'll have another one" although you think it'd be helpful, my rainbow baby will not be born to help people forget about Sophia. My rainbow baby will be Sophia's little sibling, our rainbow after the storm. But to be honest Sophia's been a gentle storm, lots of tears and heartache but love and pride mixed into it. Our rainbow will be a reminder of having a beautiful angel and now a beautiful rainbow too. Sophia will always be my firstborn, she will always be unique. The same way as my rainbow baby will be the second born, they will be unique. Every child is unique, Sophia would've had different characteristics to her future siblings. These are other things we lose. We lose getting to see who she would've looked like more, or what behaviours she would have copied more. Sophia and my future rainbow babies will equally be loved, and all will be spoken about in our home.

As we got results Monday and it's confirmation of Fetal- Maternal Hemorrhage with no known cause, I've been going to the hospital this week. Of all weeks I do wish it wasn't this week because this week is hard enough being Sophia's due week. The thoughts of Saturday is keeping me optimistic though (read my last blog to understand what I mean).

Now some of ye are probably thinking she has postnatal hospital appointments two months later, why? Well, my thyroid results and liver functioning tests came back a bit off, this had no effect on Sophia, but is possibly caused by what happened to her so I need to be medically cleared. The doctor looking after me, she's been great, arranging for me to meet an endocrinologist and all these appointments are for my health but also to start my rainbow journey. I don't think people realise how tough it is though, to sit and wait in silence surrounded by pregnant women rubbing their bumps and looking proud. They should feel proud, I felt proud and still do, it's part of being a mummy. I must clarify I'm happy for them, I'm really just not happy for myself because I feel my chance of teaching Sophia to talk, to walk, bringing her to school, all I had envisioned was stolen from me. But watching those pregnant women also reminds me of the best experience I ever had.

Each morning I wake up, Sophia is the first thing on my mind. As I walk, I have constant reminders of her, when I'm food shopping I have constant reminders of her, when certain songs come on I'm reminded of her, every night she is my last thought before I sleep. This isn't wrong, for seven months Sophia spent 24/7 with me, she was apart of me, at times it is painful but I still smile because of her. This happens when you've loved something with your entire heart and you've lost it. It is the infinite pain we feel as parents who have lost a child but the strongest love you could feel because of your connection, like I said we learn to live with it, we never get over it. Part of learning to live with this pain is facing these reminders and starting to see the positive part of them. One of my strangest cravings with Sophia was Avocados, I ate them so much I ended up creating an avocado pasta dish. So when people talk about avocado's I tell them this because it's a positive reminder of Sophia. They are not all negative reminders, in fact, most reminders are positive because you think of your baby and thinking about Sophia, I don't think there's anything negative about that. When I see other pregnant women, I try to think back on how I felt when I was pregnant with Sophia, I smile but it still hurts. I feel close to pregnant women though, it's weird but that sense that I know what kicks feel like, what those cravings are like, I've experienced that love and pride and still do with Sophia in my heart.

In my vulnerability I can find strength in myself, I can find the real me beneath the pain I face. In my loneliness, I can break down my thoughts and learn the true feelings behind them. Listen to what you're feeling, it's the one thing that is helping me. At times I've cried, out of pure love. They've been happy tears because I had an amazing little girl. Not all tears are sad tears, validate those who cry. But anyway, this blog was just one to help me vent and once again let my thoughts run free, my beautiful wandering brain at work again. Also a reminder to anyone that wants to join in our celebration of life for Sophia on Saturday, June 13th at 2pm, we will be releasing bubbles instead (as it was pointed out to me balloons are not helpful to environment), so it's up to you, i'm not going to tell anyone what to do but do something and show us your support, release bubbles with us if you'd prefer or light a candle for the angels. Take videos or photos and use #4Sophiaandtheangels, let's keep our spirits lifted for our angels above. I currently have Gurgi (my puppy) looking for cuddles, perhaps Sophia has hinted to him that mummy needs hugs. As crazy as that sounds, it makes me smile so I'll keep smiling for Sophia.