Results are back and Sophia's Due Date approaches.

Kisses for an angel (My little family)

I imagined excitement leading up to this week, I imagined making sure hospital bags were packed as me and Dan would prepare to bring Sophia into the world. I imagined nothing but happiness, Sophia was due on the 13th of June, a Saturday. I imagined the excitement leading up to that weekend, the chaos that would come with it and all of the amazing life changes ahead. I imagined setting up a little cot, getting the car seat ready, but instead I got sadness, I got loss. I got the reminder that my body failed as a woman. Don't worry though, I won't listen to that reminder because one thing I truly appreciate from this experience is my body. I brought a gorgeous, perfect, little girl into the world with no complications. My body is amazing, and even my negative feelings can't convince me otherwise. You just try to give birth to a three-pound baba knowing they won't be alive, or even just try to imagine the brainpower it takes. Trust me, mentally I was broken but mentally I could focus on physically bringing my Sophia into my arms, I could control how I brought my angel into my arms and that's all that mattered at that time. My body and Sophia are amazing, I never thought I'd say it but I do love my body now.

On the week that I'm meant to feel excited bringing my little girl into the world, we get placenta and gene test results, to tell us what may have caused Sophia's death. On a week that we were supposed to expect new life, we get confirmation of death. Sadly back in March 2020, when little Sophia was born still, we found out that what happened is "rare" and the doctor "could see no cause". Apparently "it happens sometimes". But these results will tell us more. I think what's sad is the number of women this happens to, 1 in 4 women will face the loss of a baby whether through miscarriage or stillbirth. Now think back to your secondary school classroom, think about how many girls there are. It's a lot more common than people think. I feel maybe it's "uncommon" or "rare" because people don't talk about it. Can we please get rid of the shame around baby loss, women are amazing for going through what we have to go through and they still hold their baby with pride and love. If anything I think we're top mummy's because the strength it takes in giving a baby back, having to let our baby go when our body's long to nurture. We are amazing mummy's and our angels will remind us of that if society won't.

I guess for me losing Sophia is one thing, I've lost my little girl. My hopes and dreams for my little girl as well as part of myself. I lost the dreams I had as a mummy, I've lost all the special mothers days, birthdays, Christmases that I dreamed about with Sophia. I lost a sense of being a woman but that sense came back once I started working on those negative emotions. I am a changed person. I'm still smiley Steffi but I'm different. In a way I'm more loving, I'm more caring (if that would be even possible). I'm more understanding in terms of grief. I'm still a mummy whether people agree or not. I don't have my baby physically with me but I carry her in my heart, I've changed because Sophia lives through me, and because of that, I'll make sure I do my girl proud.

Our Beautiful Sophia

So today, Monday 8th June we got test results, a week that is a painful reminder of all we've lost but we have finally got some closure. Placenta results have confirmed that our baby was perfect, she was healthy and our gene test was completely normal, the test confirmed that we are the unlucky percentage this happens to. That 1-2 couples face this kind of loss a year and we are one of them. We are encouraged to try again and we're delighted to say NMH Holles Street have set up a great plan for us and our future pregnancies. One stressful day can now be celebrated as we are reminded of the sadness we faced but ultimately the wonderful baby girl that we created, how perfect she was and how we had a healthy pregnancy despite what we were lead to believe.

As Sophia's due date approaches this Saturday, we plan to plant a cherry blossom tree back home in Co. Mayo. I've chosen a cherry blossom tree because the pink petals are beautiful like my Sophia, but not only that. The week we brought Sophia to Co. Mayo the sun shone and the cherry blossom trees blossomed. For Sophia's birthday every year, I want to watch her tree blossom because it is her month. It is the month that changed my life for better and for worse. I faced the infinite pain of losing a baby, but I brought my baby into this world.

I'll also release a balloon and light some candles on Saturday. Although I wish and long for my baby girl, I know that Sophia will help me stay strong. I know that Sophia would want her mummy to support others and spread awareness in any way I can. When we are ready we will start a rainbow journey. So as this week is painful, we've had a celebratory start and we want to keep our spirits up. On Saturday, we invite anyone who would like, to get a balloon on the 13th June, whether it's for your angel, mine or a general message to the angels above and let it fly high to them. Take pictures, videos and show me because I'd love to see the love for our angels. If you don't want to do the balloon thing then light a candle, let me know you've thought of us. I plan to release my balloon at 2 o'clock because Sophia was born 13 minutes past 2, so I'll always be smiling around two o'clock. The hour from 2-3 will always signify the pride and love I felt, that strong feeling of love in the room will never fade from my memory. We will start our rainbow journey soon, once I'm medically fit again and mentally more prepared. I know Sophia would be smiling at her mummy, because I'm smiling for Sophia. Let's smile for our angels.

Winnie The Pooh Quote - Stephanie Maloney Art