Rainbow Baby - Opposite Sex

Gender disappointment is a real thing. We've all heard of it and I feared it during this pregnancy. You hear of families who just have boys or just have girls, you hear of parents wanting to keep trying until they get the opposite sex but sometimes that just doesn't happen because we can't choose what our precious baby will be sex-wise. I had heard how if the baby is opposite sex after loss it can come with gender disappointment. I anticipated and I feared this.

I knew my emotions that come with losing Sophia would play a part in how I'd feel about either gender. I wondered if it was another girl would I cry because Sophia was my girl, could I face another girl again? but then I thought, but then I could get a chance to be a mother to a living girl as well as my little lady in heaven and wouldn't that be exciting.

I then thought if it's a boy how exciting would it be, i'd have a little mammys boy. My inner tomboy could come out and play classic video games with him as he got older. I'd dress him up in superhero onesies and mummy's boy outfits. But then it dawned on me would I feel disappointed because I'd still be waiting to mother a living girl after losing one. It's really difficult to explain our thought process but then again everything to do with baby loss is hard to explain, you'll only understand it if you've faced it! My point is there was always going to be sadness no matter the outcome of the gender because I can never have Sophia in my arms again, our reality is our family will never be fully complete.

It's a Boy - Our Gender Reveal

Yes, we are expecting a little boy! While I'm excited, part of me wonders will I ever get a chance to raise a little girl again. "oh she's disappointed" you may think. But it's funny because that's not the word I'd use. To be disappointed is to feel one's hopes and dreams not being fulfilled. But you see this little man is part of my hopes and dreams. I always wanted a boy just as I've always wanted Sophia, so it's wrong to think I'm disappointed. I guess there is a sadness for the part of me that wonders will I have a little girl again but I could never be disappointed with this little man.

This little boy brings more hope and joy into my heart, the same way Sophia did. I guess because no matter what the gender, no matter if there is sadness with it, our children are our hopes and dreams. But again what people say to us can affect whether that sadness amplifies or our happiness can thrive. I realised my fear of being disappointed was part of this journey, I also reminded myself to actually sit down with my emotions and try to figure out why I'm feeling this way. Here's what I came up with thanks to The feelings wheel, my go to always!

The Feelings Wheel

When I lost Sophia a few people had told me they heard that "some women can only bare one sex and maybe I was not meant to bare a girl." While it may seem to be a reassuring thing to say, it's come with some consequences. You see there is always a shame that comes with losing your baby, I spoke about this before. We're human, let's not sugar coat, if something bad happens to our children we question ourselves and the easiest person to blame is always ourselves so that's where the shame comes ultimately brought by our sadness. I think this saying amplified that sadness I felt. So while I smiled for my boy, my thoughts went to "you're just not meant to bare a girl" amplifying that sadness that comes with losing Sophia.

Then when I've told some people it's a boy, I've had some people say to me "oh that must be reassuring!" As if having another girl would make me more worried than I already am in this pregnancy. I guess again because to me the bottom line was we just want a god damn healthy baby. We just want to hear him cry and be able to care for him and show him the world! We just want our baby, the same way we wanted Sophia! Already this little man means more to me than most people in the world and you can bet your life he will be a spoilt little man.

Then there was a lovely comment I received, I guess because the tone was excitement and throughout this pregnancy that's all I longed for, for people to react excited like they did for Sophia. "Awh so now you'll have had one of each! that's so lovely!" It's true though, isn't it. We had our little girl, she'll always be a part of our family, and now our little boy is getting ready for this world.

Baby Boy's Scan

I realised I didn't have feelings of disappointment over the gender of my rainbow baby, but I will always have disappointment with losing Sophia. Part of living with loss is finding ugly emotions arriving even during happy times.

To be disappointed means one's hopes and dreams were not fulfilled. This could be said for the loss of Sophia but it could never be said for this beautiful boy I have growing inside me and the life I want to give him. Our thoughts can make us feel ugly emotions but I've noticed when I break all those thoughts down, the one place they stem from is being sad for losing my daughter. Once I can see that, It makes all those nasty emotions calm down because I've acknowledged the sadness that's underneath it all. Sadness only there because I love my daughter. People don't mean to say things that we can interpret wrong, it's just part of life. We listen, we process and for each person that one saying can be interpreted differently. The most important thing is breaking down what you're feeling and trying to figure out what the main emotion is. It's also important to not misinterpret what we are truly feeling. For most of us bereaved mothers when we feel those ugly emotions, it's actually just the sadness of losing our child. Other times it could be the anger that comes with our loss.

Me and Gurgi Smiling for Sophia

Despite that little bit of sadness that lingers in my life after losing Sophia, I'm still standing and I'm still smiling for her. When this little man lays in my arms one day, you can bet I'll smile even more!