My Grief Story - Expecting the unexpected.

From a young age, I learned how cruel life can be, and how judgemental society is. I also learned that we often tell ourselves to expect the unexpected, when in reality this is impossible to do. Instead, we should enjoy every moment we have with those we care about the most. As I'm grieving the loss of my beautiful Sophia, I'm reminded of previous experiences with grieving. Another normal part of grief. Grief comes with so many emotions, perhaps that's why we think back to our other losses because we feel the same emotion, or perhaps we never dealt with the grief at that time, either way, I know we all have grieving stories, and this is mine. Grief is a horrible part of life, something every human will face but grief is not something to fear. It is what makes us more resilient. I'm writing this as a release, and I hope it'll give others the courage not to fear saying "the wrong thing" because when you're grieving, you cannot control right from wrong. It's all in the moment, because the fact is facing any loss will always feel wrong. So I'm reflecting, I'm feeling and I'm healing. This is my grief story.

On the 28th of November 2009, I woke up waiting for my Nanny to knock on my downstairs bedroom window, making a signal "T" with her hands. You see every Saturday my Nanny would do this, so it kind of became a routine. But on this one Saturday, there was no sign of her. I got up, I just thought maybe she's up in Galway this weekend. I got up like any sixteen year old would, ready to organise meeting up with friends. I remember wondering why my friends were acting funny about meeting up. I didn't know there were guards and an ambulance just down the road from my house. Nanny had died unexpectedly.

If anyone can remember that November 2009, it was the start of "the big freeze". It was extremely foggy and icy. Nanny walked up by Swinford playground and continued to walk but at the time there was no fence along the side of the river. My nanny slipped. My nanny drown. I watched my family deal with death for the first time. I was devastated, I was angry. We didn't expect this, this was tragic.

Reflecting back to my first experience with grief, I learned a lot about society. I will never forget one comment I heard in the old cards and gift shop in town. Two ladies were talking, obviously unaware of who I was. One lady told the other how "sad" it was but that my nanny was "a drunk". (Yes, they were speaking about my Nanny because the silly old lady said her name before saying it). I remember the anger filling up, I remember the other lady realising who I was and making gestures that quickly shut up the other woman. Now imagine being sixteen years old and hearing this. I remember my friend pulling me away as I cried. I remember wanting to scream at that person. I remember telling myself to never be as judgemental and cruel as her.

My Nanny did drink, I'm aware of this but if I'm being honest when I look at the Irish population I think I've only met the odd few that don't drink and yet no one calls everyone that drinks, "a drunk"! I've always had a fear of judgement because of this experience, but I'll let people know the truth. Those closest to me will know why I personally just don't drink, I've no interest but it's not just that. I made a promise to myself when Nanny passed away that I wouldn't drink, I made this because my Nanny had told me if she could change one thing in life, it'd be to get rid of alcohol. So I avoid it to honour her and you know what's funny? I don't think I've had a single night out where people haven't said "ah go on, have one what's wrong with ya when you don't drink." I personally think we need to be less judgemental, we need to accept people and be more open to learn other's stories. My Nanny was kind to me, she showed me nothing but love. At times yes I was embarrassed, I feel guilty for feeling this because my Nanny didn't deserve that. Ultimately I'm sad because no sixteen year old deserved to hear that and my Nanny didn't deserve your judgement. In a way, though maybe I should be thankful to that lady, because I know I'd never be as judgemental as she is, maybe that's why I make such a good mental health nurse! Yes, I am smiling right now.

I tried to learn to expect the unexpected at sixteen years old. My Nanny slipped into a river, she drown and I will always stand for her because she helped mould me into the person I am today! To be fair I would say I'm a pretty decent person, I think Nanny would be smiling down at me because if I said otherwise about myself I know she'd correct me.

Smiling with Nanny

One thing I will always judge though is Mayo County Council. I will always be disappointed with Mayo County Council. That will never change. It took them four years to place a fence where my Nanny slipped. I'm angry because she fell so close to the playground, do you know how unsafe that was for children? As horrible as it is to say, maybe if it was a child they would have done something quicker, maybe that's what angers me? Maybe I'm angry because my Nanny didn't deserve that judgement, nobody does!

Aunty Ellen

It'd be five years later our family would be hit by another tragedy, 30 April 2015. At the age of 21, I'm reminded to try to expect the unexpected as the funniest woman in the world, my aunty Ellen passes away suddenly. Another very unexpected death that rocked our family. But like Ellen always did, she made our bond as a family stronger. That's what Ellen always did, she always brought us together, she made us laugh until our stomachs hurt and my god did she love us all! To my three strong cousins, your mum is proud of you. I am proud of you. Be proud of yourself because I am in awe of your resilience. She'd definitely be laughing her head off at me writing this but I know she'd have pride when I speak of Stephen, Jessica and Adam.

It'd be only four years when we'd have to face the sudden loss of Grandad 3rd July 2019. Now I'm 25, I'm starting to think there is no way to expect the unexpected. Granddad would always have a smile for his grandchildren, he'd call me loveen, and I miss that. I miss his big smile

and giggle. I miss going to the Sheepwalk bar where he'd be sitting in his corner seat, and you'd have to get him a pint because Grandad loved an aul pint on the weekend. I love that us grandchildren went to the sheepwalk and celebrated his life, I even had a half a pint for him. (Imagine that, the one who doesn't drink for her Nanny, drank to celebrate her Grandad!)

Smiling with Grandad

Uncle Michael

I guess if you've read my other blogs you'll be up to date with the tragic loss of my Uncle Michael, a jokester and true fighter, who was taken too soon on 6 February 2020. I think Michael's passing taught me, there is no way to expect the unexpected. It was the most surreal experience I think I've ever had. I'll always be in awe of the strength my aunty Cathy and my cousins Siobhán and Danielle have shown. Ye are truly inspiring, the strength and kindness you show in a world that has been so cruel is admirable.

Angel Sophia

I think obviously if you're on my blog you know about my little angel Sophia who was born still this year 26 March 2020. You'll know from reading my first blog how she was also an unexpected loss. I think Sophia's passing has really taught me that life throws unexpected things at you, you will build from them no matter how far down it's knocked you. It's also taught me that there is no love like the love for your child and no pain like losing them.

Uncle Dec

While grieving for Sophia we lost my uncle Declan on 6 April 2020, now Declan's passing was expected. I think because of this I truly learned there is no way to avoid the pain of losing a loved one, if we didn't feel pain in losing someone then I'd be worried. We build resilience through these experiences, we build ourselves back up and we can't expect the unexpected. We want to prepare ourselves for the pain we will have to face but there is no way to do that and realistically we need to start focusing on enjoying every single moment.

For those who worry about me for writing this, if I didn't write this then I'd be worried because I'm releasing a lot of those negative emotions that come with grief by doing these blogs. This is the point of my blog. To those saying how vulnerable I am, look around you. There's a lot of people who are vulnerable, I have just lost my baby, I'm aware of my vulnerability but I'm also aware that people need to be less judgemental and believe it or not calling me "vulnerable" that's judging me. I guess being vulnerable isn't bad though since I may help people be less judgemental and more open. I think in vulnerability comes strength, with vulnerability you learn to become strong and resilient.

I'm Still Smiling

I know a lot of people will say "Oh how tragic my family's life has been." I agree, it has been tragic for my family. It has been painful for my family. But like I've said, every family and every person has a story. This is only a glimpse into my family's and it's from my perspective. Everyone's experience of loss of the same person is very unique to them because we all have unique relationships. Before you say "I don't know how ye did it." We didn't have a choice, that's how we did it. We learned to be kind to one another and stay strong together. We have learned what it is to love like you've never loved before, to feel pain that we wish no one to feel and we've learned to smile again. I personally think we have amazing smiles and my god are we resilient.

For those who have looked at me and thought "that poor girl". I'm doing quite good actually, I definitely wouldn't call myself poor when my heart has so much love. I'm keeping my head high and I'm not listening to judgements. For those who fear "she's so angry". Yes, yes I am. Have you seen the world we are currently living in? Also did you not just read this blog? I'm pretty angry and I think it's normal to be. It'd be weird if I just laughed it all off, that's called suppressing. So instead I'm expressing, and god it feels good. I'm listening to my heart, and I'm pretty proud of how I'm doing in my grieving. I've learned that I'm pretty strong, all thanks to my support system. Part of life is facing these situations, if you've recently lost a loved one just try to allow yourself to feel what you feel, be kind to yourself. Everyone has a story, everyone has to face loss and deal with grief in their lives. Take care of one another, and take every day as it comes, enjoying the little moments with your favourite people and lets stop judging one another.

Smile to support those who have a story. Smile for those who may struggle but keep going. Smile for my strong amazing family. Smile against judgement. Smile for me, but ultimately Smile for Sophia.

Always Smiling for Sophia