I'm still Smiling for Sophia

Welcome to my blog Smiling4Sophia. Stephanie's my name, but you can call me Steph or Steffi. I'm 26 years old, born in Co. Mayo but living and working in Dublin City. I decided to make this blog to let my thoughts run free (I have a lot of them). I also hope to keep Sophia's name in the world (my sweet angel who was born still). I hope to possibly inspire others and mainly to raise awareness because I never thought I'd lose a baby, that this would happen to me, but here I am. This is our story.

I had just reached the third trimester in my pregnancy, everything was going fantastic. After all, I had an ultrasound 26th February and had my last routine antenatal appointment two weeks later where the doctor told me everything was looking great, Sophia had a strong heartbeat and there would be no need to come back for another six weeks.

Little did we know that one week and five days later we'd be told those dreaded words, "I'm sorry your baby didn't make it. "

It was March 23rd, 2020, a Monday morning at approximately 08:30 I went to the emergency department in NMH Holles Street, I had noticed changes with Sophia's kicks over the weekend. I was hopeful and had even told myself not to go because of COVID 19. What's the point of exposing myself as she could have just changed position, right? But I go, I go alone because my fiancé Dan isn't allowed into the hospital due to COVID 19. So I wait alone in the waiting area, I'm seen quite quickly which is a surprise to me because who is ever seen quick in the ER? I get to hear Sophia's heartbeat, it sounds amazing and I get a glimpse of hope. I'm then sent up for an ultrasound just to be sure. I see my little baba, see her heart beating but she's not moving. This is where it gets complicated. She has hydrops, fluid building up inside of her. My baby is becoming anaemic. I immediately jump to the fact I was anaemic. The doctor corrects me and tells me it has nothing to do with that and my anaemia has no effect on the baby. My baby needs blood so they plan to do a blood transfusion, I'm all up for it. Anything to help my baby. Dan is still not with me at this stage, thanks to COVID 19!! But after the doctor explains the procedure to me and Dan (through the phone), I get to leave the hospital to spend time with Dan while we wait for the blood to arrive. I'm hopeful but my gut is telling me something is wrong so I cry, I cry a lot. They said blood transfusion and possible delivery, I hope for the best and just wait. I wait for two hours and then I'm lying down ready for the transfusion, the doctor does the ultrasound and there it is. No heartbeat. I just stare at her still heart and know what's coming. My world shatters around me, and I don't have Dan to hold. The doctor rings Dan to give him the bad news, I just cry. COVID 19 made us be apart for the worst news any of us could ever have, the doctors knew that and now they knew I needed Dan and Dan needed me. Together we could comfort one another and mend each other's broken hearts the best we could. COVID 19 was not going to stop us from being together now! The nurse went, making phone calls to find out if there was any way Dan could be allowed into the hospital. Then finally, he was allowed to be with me, and would be with me throughout the remainder of my time in NMH I was so thankful. But how could everything be so good and then just go so bad? Even the doctor had no answers, and we were told we may never know what caused her death but at this stage they believed it could be parvovirus. A virus pet animals get, they can give it to humans, it doesn't make humans sick but it can be detrimental to the fetus. The good news is if it was the parvovirus then once you get it you become immune so you'd never have to worry about stillbirth again! They take several blood samples to be tested. I only hoped that was the cause. We go home for a day to prepare to give birth to our Sophia. I cry and cry because I hadn't prepared for this. I had prepared to receive a "push present", my push present would cry and I'd hold her in my arms, give her kisses and cry too with happiness. Now, I had to prepare to give birth to my princess knowing she would not be alive. I initially thought I would no longer have my push present but then I realised I still get to see my baby, I will still get a present at the end of the pain. It isn't what I wanted, but Sophia was always going to be my present. Wednesday morning at 11:00 I was induced for labour, then Thursday 26th March 2020 at 14:13 our angel entered the world. It feels quite blurry now but I remember the feeling of pride while holding her and it was the first time I truly felt proud of myself especially for refusing an epidural. Sounds weird, I know, but I had always said I would try to go without it from the beginning of my pregnancy and although the midwives said "why put yourself through more pain just have it", it just wasn't the way I had planned to bring Sophia into the world. Although she had passed away it didn't make a difference to me, everything else was taken out of my control, I had lost my baby but I could control how I brought my baby into this world. I had nearly given in at one stage and told the nurse I'd take it but next thing Sophia arrived. How amazing is she! Good timing princess. She knew mummy couldn't go through any more discomfort. Also to note for anyone who hasn't had a baby, in my opinion I found labour more discomforting rather than painful. Although we wished to hear her cries, I held Dan's hand while the midwives cleaned her and we just smiled at each other. It's a bittersweet moment. Next thing she's in my arms and while I'm holding and taking in my precious angel, the placenta is being sent off for testing. I forget all about that, my world is here all in one room. My fiancé and gorgeous angel, it's a magic moment I will relive forever because as sad as it sounds I smile every time, I had my precious baby.

She's got hair, she's got a cute button nose, soft hands, little toes. My baby is perfect, her skin is a little fragile because of the fluid but she is still perfect. I kiss her, hold her, take pictures, and just truly love her. We spend the rest of Thursday relaxing with her, making keepsakes, and watching Disney movies. It was inevitable, I'm a huge Disney fan after all and I finally had my Disney princess just not my happily ever after... Yet. Then Friday, the doctor comes to the room to talk to us and also congratulates us on having a beauty. We thank her because we know! She tells us from the blood results that it wasn't the parvovirus but they found some of Sophia's blood in mine. I immediately feel guilty, what did I do!! The doctor then tells me it was not my fault, and that she has seen it happen before with no cause. She talks to us about a postmortem. She feels one would be unnecessary as in her opinion we won't find an answer. We agree with her. I ask if it will ever happen again or if I should ever try again for babies. She encourages us to try again, she tells us how what happened was rare and from what she could see our baby was perfectly healthy, it was just bad luck. Some bad luck my family get ey, but that's for another blog. The doctor tells us the coroner is happy with what she has reported, Fetomaternal haemorrhage with no known cause. We are actually happy, obviously we wish none of this happened and we had hoped it was the parvovirus but we didn't want a post-mortem, our baby had been through enough! So now we could finally take Sophia home for a few days before we have to lay her to rest. We get a few days with her thanks to the Cuddle Cot (cool cot) existence and Feileacáin. We really do admire the work of Féileacáin, you truly do not realise the work they do for grieving parents until you are in it. But that's for another blog I have planned, like I said I have a lot of thoughts!! If only I could go back to those days of holding her close, reading to her, singing to her, and just being with her. I took so many photos but even they will never be enough! How could they be when she was taken away from me so out of the blue. I'm just grateful she only knew what comfort, warmth, and love was thanks to me and her papa. She was too pure for this awful world. Now we just wait to get the placenta test results in June 2020, the same month she was due. Imagine that., the month we should be waiting for our little bundle of joy to arrive, is now the time that we will get her cause of death report, if there is any! Somedays you just want to give up, but I'm lucky I have a strong support system holding me up. Thanks to Dan I have the strength to keep going and I got the courage to create this blog. I hope someday to inspire those that can maybe relate to my journey or those who unfortunately have to face it. I decided to make this blog because one day when I felt so hopeless, Dan reminded me of how I help people, that I'm a good person who didn't deserve this. He reminded me of how strong I am. He also reminded me of how often people would call me smiley or ask me why I was so happy. I don't feel happy but funnily when I think of Sophia I am. When I look at my fiancé and when I'm with my support system I am, I am still smiley Steffi and I am Smiling for Sophia forever and always.