I'll do it My Way for you..

I feel numb waking up this morning, the morning after burying our wonderful grandad. My eyes less puffy than yesterday, my thoughts telling me maybe it's not real. My understanding reminding me we go numb to protect our hearts in order to get through it.

Me and Grandad

My insight into grief now reminding me to trust the process, knowing it will hit me again and I will cry but that it's okay. It's grief, a part of life that doesn't get any easier.

Grandad at Clontarf Castle

Every relationship is unique and the one I had with my grandad was no different, it was surely unique. He'd call me his birthday twin, I remember when I was very small I told him I wasn't because he's the 22nd and I'm the 23rd and he laughed and said well if you had been born just a couple hours earlier we would've shared our birthdays so you're my birthday twin.

I always wanted to involve my grandparents in every milestone because I learned from a young age to try capture as many memories together as you can.

After losing Sophia, I do believe my relationship with my grandparents became deeper if that was even possible. Sitting in their gardens and we'd talk about the deeper sides to life, life without Sophia, life without their own son Declan who died one week after we buried Sophia.

A time I often remind people to be the blurriest time of my life these days, because there were three losses that hit us in three months, so much grief, so much trauma. Sophia's death being one of the deepest pains imaginable that I was in a void, just surviving, kind of functioning but not really living.

Months afterwards though we would visit granny and grandad in their garden because of Covid 19.

I remember grandad shaking his head at me once during a conversation and I asked him what was it. He just smiled nodding at me and said you're know you're wise before your time.

Then there was mothers day 2022 and I always buy my grandparents gifts as well as my parents for these days because I know they are the days I can tell them I appreciate them and show them. On this mothers day in particular I told granny I had a bouquet of flowers in the car for her and I asked grandad for his keys and I'd put them in the car for him. Grandad stood up and I told him to sit back down, but of course grandad being grandad didn't. He wanted to walk with me and there was no telling him otherwise.

Mothers Day 2022

As we walked towards the car though he said to me, you don't need to be buying us things. I said well it's to show you ye're appreciated. He told me they know how much they're appreciated and that there was no need. I said well grandad, there's a need for me, my other grandparents aren't here anymore, I've learned that it's just nice to be able to show someone they're appreciated even if they already know. I said it straight out to him, that one day I won't have the luxury of giving ye a hug or handing gifts to ye. So while ye are here, that's what I'll do.

I remember him saying what I had said was very true and I thought to myself usually grandad would work on getting me to see it in a different light but he could understand and agreed with me. "you're a special kind, if only there were more like you" he said and he put his arm around me.

I remember the uncomfort in the moment because none of us like hearing compliments let's face it but as I held his hand to say goodbye yesterday I thought of that moment and with it I thought, I'll stay kind regardless of what others believe or say.

I'll treasure those times now, the chats we had about life, about how we appreciate one another. Covid 19 took a lot of time away though, I know some family brought him out on his last birthday, but again his immune system was so compromised they kept it small. I know there's times I had planned to visit but then Samson would get a head cold or you'd hear of someone else being sick so you'd put it off because his immune system was compromised but that was time taken away, the same way it angered me around Sophia's death, it angers me now because if anyone knows the preciousness of time, it's me but the good thing is grandad also knew that's how I felt about time and life.

I'm lucky to have had 29 years of memories with him, from all the times we sang "My Way" by Frank Sinatra on the karaoke together, to the sleepovers I had at my grandparents growing up, to taking them to Bloom in Dublin in 2017, to all the visits when I finally got home from Dublin.

Bloom Dublin 2017

The milestones he was able to be with me at, my graduation from DCU, another Nurse Maloney he'd proudly say. The hard day's meeting his great granddaughter Sophia, to happier times meeting his great grandson Samson, the opening of The Butterfly Garden where he told me how he hoped I felt proud because what I've done for others is a brilliant thing, and of course my wedding. I'm beyond lucky he came to my wedding. The beautiful photographs of him smiling, he was so happy and that warms my heart so much!

Nurse Maloney Graduation Day

The Butterfly Garden Opening Day

Our Wedding Day

My memories are beautiful but still my mind doesn't want to believe he'll never remind me of the way I used to give them princess waves, or even to hear him tell me stories. That's it now. I can almost hear him saying that in my mind. But it's sad to think I will never hear his voice again, I think they can be the hardest parts of loss.

4 generations

The first look on my wedding day

I was so heartbroken yesterday, the tears kept coming at the graveyard, but as people cleared away and I stood staring at his grave, a dragonfly crossed my path. It took that dragonfly flying past to break my gaze. Of course my spiritual mind began wondering because I had also spotted a white butterfly at the church, that's my Sophia sign. I'll always have the conflict because of the knowledge I have in psychology but I'll still also always choose hope and if you look up the meaning of seeing a dragonfly at the grave, you'll understand more why that moment was enough for my tears to stop.

I always said to Grandad that the magic of life is in dying. It was the one time I think I made him speechless, he completely agreed too because I explained without our grief, and death we'd never appreciate life or have the lovely feeling of gratitude.

Never mind if your glass is half empty or full, I'd think of Sophia and I'd say aren't we lucky to have a life at all. And with grandad, I'm able to look at 29 years of my life he was here for, I'm able to see the magic of life, the special times spent together, this is something he could relate to grief wise with me. I remember reminding him that crying was important, and he'd say you see your times are different to mine but what you said makes sense and he put his hand on my shoulder. How I'll miss those little gestures from him.

Death makes us appreciate what we had and we can see the real beauty in actually having a life and what a life Grandad had.

On Wednesday 7th June Grandad died, no matter how prepared you feel, you'll never really be prepared. It was incredibly hard, I struggled to sleep that night so I wrote this poem for him about mine and his relationship, it helped me to cry, feel and eventually I slept.

If there's anything I'll do, I'll continue to do life my way for Grandad, and I'll appreciate and be thankful for the memories he's given to me. He didn't like crying but as I cry I also tell him in my head it's important Grandad and I remember the moment he nodded and said it makes sense.

The greatest thing I have is knowing we appreciated each other, and I was able to say goodbye to him, asking him to give Sophia a kiss from me.

Grandad Jimmy Maloney

Rest in Peace our gentleman,

My birthday twin, my Grandad.