I am grieving, not struggling!

Four months after losing Sophia and I still find myself having to defend my emotions. It's making me realise there is stigma not just with baby loss but there's stigma with grief.

People who I didn't get the chance to meet cause of COVID 19, I've been able to see recently. Sorrowful eyes, with a little smile and virtual hugs. There's two things that have been in common when I've met people.

1. I've cried, and

2. They've suggested I see a counsellor.

I appreciate people wanting to look out for me and giving me advice cause their worried. But as a mental health nurse, you are going to hear this back from me when that's suggested.

"I am not going to disrupt the natural grief process. In my line of work if someone is looking into their mental health and they've had a recent bereavement the one thing we ask as an MDT is, is this grief or is this mental health? because unfortunately, what people don't realise is these are separate things."

If you've lost a loved one and there are days you can't get out of bed, I'm sorry to tell you but you're grieving and unfortunately, it's normal to feel like this. Grief often comes with waves, ups, downs, anger spouts, times of depression, laughing at memories. This is the reality of grief. It's why people describe their emotions as a rollercoaster because it is an extreme rollercoaster and with this wavy rollercoaster we don't know when it's going to end!

Now if there is no wave of emotion but instead you're feeling no hope for a long period, then absolutely, it could very well be mental-health related and this is often where our MDT team will debate and look at the best options. If a person is already a year or two into their grief and they tell us their struggling. Then of course, we look into it because yes, grief can lead to mental health issues especially sudden grief. (for example, I do have moments of flashbacks of being told sophia had died but as months have gone by this has lessened but if in a years time if I'm still getting them then I'll definitely seek help because there can be disruptions in our processing too.)

But I find it funny because I find myself having to explain this to others when I'm grieving.

In reality others should be validating my tears, they should be telling me they know it hurts because Sophia was my baby and the reality is, it's only been four months. Those tears are normal and I'm sorry but I've accepted that I will have tears for Sophia, and in time this life experience will become more bearable but if I need to cry it's only because I've loved something so much it makes me cry and there is nothing wrong with that!

People who have lost especially during COVID 19, we're going to have a delay in our grief, we're going to restart our grieving process multiple times because there are people we need to see yet. For example, I know I'm going to cry when I finally get to see Dan's parents in Spain (whenever that will be). But this is normal, just because I cry doesn't mean I need counselling, it means I'm expressing emotion with someone close to me who knows the heartache I feel. I've had to replay that loss all over again.

In time if I do feel it'd be a benefit to go to a counsellor then absolutely, I will. For now I'm letting the natural process take over, I'm feeling what I'm feeling and I'm naturally allowing myself to heal. So I invite others to support me in doing so, and if you're reading this and grieving yourself I invite you to join me in helping people realise we're grieving, not struggling.

We lack the understanding of grief, we fear someone forever being sad but as I've said before just because you see a glimpse of sadness doesn't mean there is no happiness and just because you see someone happy doesn't mean they're never sad.

This wave of emotion may last years! Unfortunately, we don't come with a manual on how to grieve and everyone grieves differently and so there is no limit to how long you should grieve. But I know for now my grief is a wave of emotions, if the day comes that I feel stuck in that state of depression I'll seek help, but just know for now I'm working on myself and allowing the natural process to flow.

Others may choose counselling and that's ok too! Like I've said down the line I may seek counselling myself but I need to give the natural process a go, I've always gone with the flow of things. It's what helps me to build resilience. So, I believe I'll be ok, I hope you will too. After all, I'm smiling for Sophia and that little lady is looking after me.