Grieving during a Pandemic

COVID 19 is all over social media, all over the news and has been since January 2020. It didn't hit us here in Ireland until the end of February 2020. We grieve a lot as it is with COVID 19, things that we once were able to do, we can no longer. We are more conscious of who we are around, how clean our hands are and we are ultimately paranoid. Often people focus more on their physical health, and they forget about their mental health. Please use the Feelings Wheel by Dr Gloria Willcox to help you distinguish what you feel, don't let your thoughts control you. Most people will feel sad and angry because they have lost precious time with friends, and family. You may have had to stall events such as Birthday Parties, Anniversaries, Weddings, Christenings, Communions and Confirmations. You may have had a holiday or concert tickets booked and now you have to wait until next year. The fact is we are all grieving for our normality. At the moment we are all grieving because we have lost normality, we have to learn to live a new normal.

The Feelings Wheel - Dr Gloria Willcox

We are staying apart to keep safe and well, to help keep our loved ones safe and well also. What I find ironic though is my family have had three funerals during this pandemic, none of them linked to COVID 19. So I stressed to protect my Sophia, but I lost her and it wasn't to COVID 19.

Families who have lost a loved one to COVID 19, I can't imagine what you are going through. I send you strength and courage. I praise you for finding ways to comfort yourself when all you want to do is be with family and can't. I praise you for having the strength to stay connected with loved one's in a new way. I can't relate to you as you couldn't have that closure that I got funeral wise. It's not fair. I'm sorry you have that pain on top of everything else. You are grieving even more than you should have to, but I know you will not let COVID 19 take away all your control, you will remember your loved ones and celebrate their life, it's all we can do.

In an unlucky time, I feel lucky that none of my families deaths were COVID related. I hear so many people comparing deaths. COVID 19 related or not though, we shouldn't be comparing deaths. The loss of any loved one, it's the worst time of your life with COVID or without.

Bravest man - Uncle Michael

In February 2020, my family faced the tragic loss of my amazing uncle Michael. It was all over newspapers and social media, so was COVID 19. But it hadn't hit Ireland or USA yet and so my parents were able to go to America to comfort my cousins as they waited for my aunt Cathy (strongest woman ever) to recover. At Michael's month mind, however, it'd be a strange time. We all sat apart, I felt Sophia kicking as I just wanted to hug my cousins but couldn't. I did hug Danielle though, sorry but nothing can stop us, she's my day one bestie and we weren't in lockdown at this stage.

I continued to go to hospital appointments in NMH Holles Street, where I had to go alone because of COVID 19. Women had to go alone to all appointments. Women who were having scans, had to go alone without their partner to share what could be an amazing time, or the worst time of their life. This is the side of COVID that makes me angry. I'm angry because COVID 19 made us alone, even while being induced in the hospital my parents who urged to see me as any parent would, were not allowed to be with us. I'm angry because I protected myself so much from COVID 19, and yet I couldn't do enough to protect Sophia. COVID 19 did not take Sophia, and I did not have COVID 19 but I remember thinking people are stressing so much about a virus when in reality anything can happen at any time.

Lockdown started the same day that we arrived in Co. Mayo with Sophia. For the four days that we had Sophia at home, we had several people message saying they can't see us because of COVID 19. Then other people said they were coming to see Sophia as it was their only chance. We set up the house so it'd follow guidelines of social distancing. I'm grateful to all those who despite having the fear of COVID 19, they came over, some held Sophia and cried with me. For those who feared COVID 19 and couldn't make it over, I'm also thankful that you took the time to message us. I know all we wanted to do was hug, and for some of us we couldn't control ourselves and we did. Now for those people saying OH MY GOD, SOCIAL DISTANCING! Ye can shut up because you didn't feel the pain we felt in that moment, we are only human and guess what, none of us got COVID 19!

Sophia's funeral was small. Initially, we weren't allowed to go to the church but because I had small numbers we were given the option. I chose to have the mass at home, it would give Sophia more time with us. For the burial, family members and one friend came. She knows who she is, we were able to follow social distancing there too because of how big Swinford graveyard is. We are lucky for that. I didn't advertise Sophia's funeral. I think I knew people would feel pressured to come and I didn't want that. I also didn't want to hear COVID 19 being an excuse when the graveyard is as big as it is.

Angel Sophia

I knew how vulnerable I was, I didn't want my thoughts to make me feel people didn't care because I know everyone cares, how could they not. Did you not see how cute my Sophia is?

I'll forever be happy with my small bubble of support, to all those who could make it, to all those who messaged me during it. It means more than people will ever know. So while I'm grieving for myself, I'm grieving for the life Sophia never got to have, I'm grieving for the what if's and special moments every parent wishes for because that's what comes with baby loss. But I'm also grieving for normality. I'm grieving for the moment's friends have lost with me and my angel, I'm grieving for my family over in Spain, who thanks to COVID 19 had no way of flying over to be with us. To Sophia's abuelos (grandparents), when we see you all, you will get the biggest hug in the world. We are so happy we could video call you every day so you could spend time with us and Sophia. We love you and are thankful for the strength you've given to us. I'm grieving for other family members in the same situation, who wished they could be with us but couldn't. I'm grieving for all the hugs I could not have, all the conversations with people I longed to have in person but could not. I grieve deeper than people realise.

Strong Fighter - Uncle Declan

A week after Sophia was buried my Uncle Declan sadly passed away, another good one gone too soon. We were expecting him to sadly pass for many months. But like I said, every death is as painful whether expected or not that's why no death should ever be compared even in these pandemic times. In my grief, I had to face grieving another loss in our family. So while mourning for Sophia, and my family. I then faced mourning for my dad, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, Declan's wife Norma and son Charles. We were hit hard with grief.

While we grieved for Michael, we lost Sophia, and then Declan. All in the space of three months, and guess what? None of these were related to COVID 19. Two were very unexpected, one expected and yet all the pain is the same. COVID 19, didn't help us in our grief. We struggled to get flowers for our loved ones, we struggled knowing people wanted to be there but couldn't. Maybe that's why I tell people to stop talking about COVID. Maybe it's because when I was going through the worst time of my life, people still spoke about how awful COVID was when COVID 19 had nothing to do with Sophia. When I needed people to talk about Sophia, they continued to speak about COVID 19. But, don't worry. I do follow the guidelines and I will continue to stay in because it's for the safety of my loved ones and let's face it we don't deserve any more heartbreak. But I need people to start working on the fear around COVID 19, stay safe and well mentally too. Talking about it all the time, it's good for no one. Let's be more mindful, stop becoming obsessed with COVID 19 and start using this time to self-care.

Covid 19 - written by Stephanie Maloney

So for those facing the grief of a loved one in a time where we are grieving already. I feel your sadness. I feel your anger. I feel the things you long for that you can't have, the things that comfort you but you can't do because COVID 19. I feel your pain. But we will celebrate our loved ones, we will get those days back. Like any grief, you learn to live a new normal. That's what the world has to do, but in our new normal we will have celebrations of life events, we will celebrate those we have lost. We will hug, hold and comfort one another. I know we need it now, trust me I feel it because we will never get this time back. We will grieve the time we have lost. But I'm using this time to reflect, look after myself so that when that time comes, where we can be together and celebrate, I'll be a better person who can enjoy every moment in remembering Michael, Declan and my little angel Sophia.

So let's smile, smile for those who fight COVID 19. Smile for those who have passed away in the midst of this pandemic but their memory lives on. Let's smile for those who continue to work on the frontline, smile for those who struggle with fear. Let's keep smiling against COVID 19, look after yourself. I'm still smiling for Sophia.

Always Smiling for Sophia

Note: I wrote this a number of weeks ago, I still stand by what I wrote. Thankfully a lot of restrictions are lifted and things are getting better but I will still never get the time that I needed to spend with loved ones back, some will never get to say they held Sophia. So, I will still roll my eyes at COVID 19 because life itself has done more harm to me, but hey, I'm still smiling for Sophia, I know better things will come now because I have her.