Grief Fog

Winnie The Pooh Quote created by Stephanie Maloney

I'm easily distracted these days. It reminds me of when I was pregnant with Sophia, "pregnancy brain" I used to call it. Where you can't fully concentrate or you try and next thing you forget. I've felt it a lot lately.

It's "grief fog", apparently it's the same as "pregnancy brain". It's funny how I'm experiencing something while grieving that I also experienced while Sophia was alive. It's bittersweet.

It's been four months now and, most people just talk to me about COVID 19 or general things. It's great that I'm getting back to normality, except a switch goes off inside my head. Time freezes, my concentration goes, voices mumble and my head fills with racing thoughts of Sophia. I do find the only time this fog goes is when I'm able to talk about Sophia. I guess it's my bodies way of telling me I need to talk, but fear tells me not everyone wants to listen.

Then this numbness comes with the grief fog, it's like people ask you how you are and you say you're ok but you don't feel anything so you ask yourself have you just lied?

I don't even know how to feel sometimes. But I guess numbness is an important part of grief because when we feel numb, we know our body is exhausted. How could it not be exhausted, we've been through trauma, and the worst kind of heartache. Our body is just protecting us. It's giving us a break until it's ready to feel again and let's face it losing a loved one, losing your child it's pretty intense emotions that come with it so we deserve a break.

Smiling for Sophia

So what is this grief fog like?

It's probably different for everyone but for me, ultimately, I feel frozen with my thoughts. I feel the world continue around me and expect me to do the same but I can't. I hear people talking around me but it's fuzzy, just mumbles. I find myself staring into space and I can feel myself doing it, but I can't stop myself. I'm forgetful and not a great listener these days even though I try to be. But the harder I try to listen, the harder it is to concentrate. I get frustrated easily then because there's too much happening in my mind, my thoughts are going but I want to concentrate and listen! I remind myself it's ok though because I'm grieving and let's be honest here, I just need to talk about Sophia. So I write my blogs, I let all those thoughts out that I've been keeping in, and the fuzz kind of clears.

I think the worst thing about grief fog is I'm constantly asking people to repeat themselves and I'm really forgetful. It's embarrassing but it's the truth. The once-great listener I was, I'm struggling to be these days. But that's ok and it's normal when you're grieving. At times I feel it's selfish because I've always been a good listener but then my motherly identity kicks in and tells me it's not selfish because I'm grieving for my baby and people will understand that.

I think grief fog is normal, it's just another experience that just comes out of nowhere sometimes. I think maybe it's part of our processing? I know Sophia will get me through this grief fog, I'll do my best to try not to forget things and be a better listener. The grief fog makes me think and want to speak about Sophia so in a way it's keeping me smiling for Sophia.

Beautiful Sophia