Friends of the bereaved parent

Something I've learned from writing blogs is how angel mother's have had very similar experience with society's attitude and how people deal with baby loss. This is something that we really need to change. We need to break down the barrier and start to talk about baby loss in a more positive light. Yes, it is sad that we have lost our babies, but we did give birth to our baby too, and that's amazing. We still had our baby, we still had all those lovely emotions and carried our babies with love. We cried with our babies but we also smiled because we actually created a baby. Babies are precious, and it is so unnatural when they pass away. But that baby brought happiness to us, we need people to realise this. I know I touched on this in my baby loss post but some other mothers have reached out. So I'm doing this blog today as sadly a lot of angel mums I've spoken to have experienced lack of support from their friends, I can understand and I want you to understand too.

So how should friends respond to baby loss? I think the biggest problem with this is everyone deals with grief differently, each loss is unique so really what you should do is ask your friend what they need. My friends have been amazing, i'm disappointed with some people who may have messaged my friends instead of me, when I'm the one who is grieving the loss of my baby. I'm also disappointed in some people who I may have once called a friend not messaging. Have a read of my story and how my friend's helped me, as I hope it will help you understand better.

Winnie the Pooh Quote. Drawn by Stephanie Maloney

On 23rd March 2020, I went to NMH Holles Street where we would later hear our baby had passed away. I had been texting my closest friends while waiting for a blood transfusion, they were aware of the situation and they were good at keeping me occupied and most importantly, hopeful. My friend's supported me even after we got the tragic sudden news that Sophia's heart had stopped beating as I messaged them later in the day to let them know. During my induction, I kept the girls up to date on my progress, right up to telling them when Sophia was born. My friend's were pretty good at supporting me, sending me messages of encouragement and support throughout. They made me laugh when I felt I couldn't and they reminded me of how strong I am to get through what I had to get through.

I personally felt that messages from friends lessened after the funeral. I did sadly feel less support, but talking to my friends about that, i've learned why. I remember thinking I know people have to get on with their lives, but I'm going through something I would wish for no one to go through. I hoped for more messages because I needed more messages at that time. I had felt everyone was able to move on but I couldn't see how I would be able to, this believe it or not is still a struggle. I'm usually quite good at being open with my friends, they know that but I'm not always strong. I have days where I don't want to face the world, I need my friends to text me then because I worry about annoying them so I won't text but that's when I need them the most. They worry about upsetting me so they avoid messaging incase I'm having a bad day or even a good day they don't want to "say the wrong thing.". It's a vicious cycle because no one knows how to deal with baby loss. In my vulnerability, I'm not as able to be the strong friend they believe I am.

Now a lot of friends, they won't know what to say or do. That's understandable since I don't think I would've known myself before this. But friends need to remember saying nothing at all will hurt the most, and saying the wrong thing, well at least you said something! Even telling your friend you don't know what to say, believe it or not I truly appreciate that because you still acknowledge us and the pain we face.

My friends, I actually think I was lucky with my friends. They're pretty amazing, because even though they didn't know what to say or do, they did certain things that stood out to me. So I'll tell you my experience, hopefully it will give other friend's of the bereaved parent some ideas.

St Stephens Night 2019 (Sophia as Bump)

One friend, she visited Sophia when I brought her home. She held Sophia. She's the only one who actually got to because unfortunately lockdown started that evening. She wrote Sophia a poem, she went to Sophia's burial. She has messaged me nearly every second day, she talks to me about Sophia, she sends me nostalgic memories, pictures to make me laugh but she also reminds me that she is there for me, even when I tell her I'm doing ok. When I'm not doing ok, guess what she done. She put together a self care bag and she dropped it at my front door because that's what friends do. She also just let's me vent, she lets me talk about how angry or sad I am without judging what I'm saying but instead acknowledging that behind my smile there is pain and that pain can't go away, it's pain that will be there because I've lost my baby.

Another friend, she couldn't see Sophia and I know she longed to. She is a frontline worker in the midst of a pandemic, she's a good friend to me. She checked my mail while I was away, she even offered to cook and bring food over for when I'd return. That's supportive. She also taught me that people generally don't know how to respond, they don't want to say the wrong thing. Although it saddened me to hear this, I know she is right because I wouldn't have known how to respond. So she helped me tell my friends what I needed. That I needed to hear Sophia's name, I needed them to not worry about saying the wrong thing because saying nothing hurts more. I need them to check in because yes I am strong, but even the strongest of people can struggle to get up on days they feel no hope, that feeling of losing hope, it holds everyone down. We recently met up (following social distance) and she spoke about Sophia, you have no idea what it means to hear others say her name. She asked me about my labour experience and we spoke like we would've if Sophia had survived, I absolutely loved that! That is what I need people! She also told me about people who were in our year messaging her, they never messaged me. What's that about? I'm the one grieving but you check in with my friend. How kind of you. Yes, I am rolling my eyes because even my friend rolled her eyes.

Another friend, she didn't know what to say to me so she wrote Sophia a lullaby. Imagine, my Sophia has a beautiful lullaby, yes it makes me cry but it makes me smile way more. She didn't know how to help me or know what to say so she did the one thing she's amazing at. I personally think it's a lovely way to support your friends because it's sentimental, it's something of personal value. It's something I will always treasure, I'll have it played at every special event.

Another friend who was in the UK during lockdown sent me the most adorable teddy bear with Sophia's name on it. We check in with her weekly, because she's awesome! It was an unexpected gift that meant more than she will ever know, again it's something we can treasure. She continues to make me laugh, even when we have a bit of a crying session. It's sometimes needed and we both say embrace those tears.

For other angel mums, I know they haven't been as lucky as I have. I feel so sad and angry at this because I know people avoid talking. I know because like I said some friends who I expected to message me, they never did. You have no idea how much it hurts. It makes you feel betrayed, forgotten and it cuts deep to the core, like I said you re-evaluate your social circle because why include people who didn't show you love when you needed it the most.

To those friends of bereaved parents, I need you to message your friend. I need you to ask them how they've been. I need you to check in with them even if you do feel uncomfortable, because your friend has had to face the most painful thing. They've lost their baby, they've lost hopes and dreams. They need you. I need you to bring up a memory you know they'd laugh at, especially if you've left it so long to talk to them. I need you to stop worrying about upsetting them because believe it or not, not checking in and not talking about their baby, that's upsetting them. That's making them feel alone.

You need to call them, to text them. You need to send them cute gifts, remind them that you are there. Grieving the loss of a baby is so challenging as it is, give us the support that we need. Show us you are thinking of us and that you are here for us. Start talking about our babies, let us cry if we need to. Don't shy away from that. Nothing you say will hurt us more than we're already hurting. If you don't speak to us, you just isolate us. If you don't speak our babies names when we try to, then you dismiss our love. Imagine talking about your living baby and us not acknowledging them, how would you feel? Imagine being pregnant, being excited and us ignoring your excitement! It's the same for us, we have lost our baby. Our baby was very real, that love and pride is so real! So like I've said before let's start getting uncomfortable to someday be comfortable. Try to see that parents have pride and love for their baby, focus on this.

Tell us how proud you are and how proud our baby would be of us because guess what when people tell me they know Sophia would be proud of me, that makes me smile. That'd make any parent smile. Speak your friend's angels name. Tell them you've visited or you've lit a candle thinking of them. If you haven't spoken to them in a while, say you're sorry and be honest, that you didn't know what to say but that you are there for them. Stop making the bereaved parent feel even more alone, start acknowledging them.

My Family

So for those who are friends of the bereaved parent, reach out to them. Even if your friend lost their baby four months, five years, twenty odd years ago. Still ask them how they are, parents can not get over the pain of losing a baby, we learn to live with the pain. People need to realise this, baby loss is not something parents can just forget and get over. We will always have reminders, for example I walked around the shop the other day and saw a babygrow that said Born 2020. My heart sank because Sophia was still born in 2020, she could have wore that but she was taken away from me. Us parent's have constant reminders everywhere, watching other friends children growing up, seeing what could have been but we lost. For me March 23rd, March 26th and June 13th will always be day's that will trigger me. March 23rd I want to avoid so bad because March 23rd is the day she died. March 26th though is a celebratory day for me, this day is Sophia's birth day and so I will always focus on March 26th instead of the 23rd! Then there is June 13th, that was her due date. On top of these dates I have every Christmas without my baby, every mothers day, every fathers day, every other life event without my baby including my wedding. Parents have so many reminders of what they've lost, so please even if they're having a good day, trust me they'll be thankful you checked in. They need more positive reminders of their baby. They need to hear their babies name. We can be strong and get through the pain, but we need people to talk to us about our baby because without this our pain cannot ease. Let us tell you how our baby has made us happy, let us cry but smile after because our babies have given us the same love any baby would. Smile for friends trying to help the only way they know how. Smile for baby angel parents who face the pain everyday. Smile for my angel Sophia because that's what I truly love to do.