Breaking My Silence

One thing that continues to strike me is people's inability to acknowledge us as parents. Fathers day has just passed, and I'm happy to know that Dan had a good day. I know I did, despite moments of sadness and anger. I thank those who took the time to acknowledge Dan's first fathers day, the people who said they were thinking of him and wished him a happy day. I felt annoyed though, I'm not going to lie. I guess what saddened me was watching other people post and getting great feedback, while on Dan's first fathers day, I felt we were made feel as if we should be sad, that we shouldn't celebrate. People who I expected to message Dan, didn't. Part of me just kept thinking if things were different, if Sophia had survived I know more people would have messaged Dan on his first fathers day. It didn't bother Dan because as he said he had a good day and he only cares about our family. Once again, I'm reminded of how amazing he is, and I'm reminded of how much I still protect him and my daughter's name.

Dan's fathers day card

So I'm writing this blog to once again talk about breaking the silence. People need to acknowledge us as parents, if the closest friends do not wish a happy mother's day to me on mothers day, believe it I'll re-evaluate our friendships, because what I truly need is support. I need people to celebrate the fact me and Dan became parents, not make us feel like we should be sad all the time.

I recently read a quote "To be forgotten is to die twice." This is how it feels when people don't acknowledge Sophia. What's sad is if Sophia had survived she would have been born one week before father's day so I know the amount of messages Dan should have had. It saddens me that people chose to avoid wishing him a good day out of fear of upsetting us. But I will repeat myself once again and I will tell you, by not talking to us you make us sad. On a day that I was truly happy, that one little thing did make me sad but talking to Dan and knowing he had a good day, it helped me stay happy. I just wanted more for him I guess, as any partner would.

We still had a fantastic day though, we celebrated with cake and everything because what people don't realise is that we are proud. We created something so beautiful, that made us parents. We have our baby, she existed and she's in our hearts now. We know the deepest love there is now, the love of a child. We feel that every day, we think of her and we smile with her every day. Although I felt annoyed, it didn't stop us from having a good day. It didn't stop us from smiling and laughing but it made me realise I still need to speak about it, because if I don't then other parents will someday face this. I asked myself was what I was feeling a fact or opinion, am I just thinking people are avoiding me? But it's a fact. It's a fact that people are scared to say the wrong thing, that they get anxious so they avoid talking to us. It is a fact. Several parents have shared stories with me similar to mine, that's how I know the stigma still exists, that's how I know I need to keep breaking my silence. My opinion of it is, that us parents know it's hard to talk to us, but we are the ones grieving our children, we need you to talk to us and as I've said before speak their name.

"You're always so negative." "You're bringing the mood down." "You sound so angry." "She keeps posting photos of her dead child."

These are common things said not specifically about me, although I wouldn't be surprised. But they are things other mums have told me has been said.

The negative one, I have gotten and I'm not going to lie part of me doesn't want to post it because I know I'll have people judging and thinking it's all negative. But let me put it to you this way, imagine the future you'd love to have, imagine all the lovely things you're going to do whether it's to do with pregnancy or your career. Now imagine, with no control you've lost it all. Everything you had envisioned you're now being told can never happen. Imagine your dreams be destroyed. Because that is what we have faced. So yes, it is a negative experience we have endured and at times it will all seem negative but that's only if you choose to see it like that.

Smiling with Love for Sophia

I've done a lot of blogs now, where I highlight the negatives but I also highlight the positives, but as humans, we always choose to focus on the negatives because those emotions overpower the positives all the time. I'm not going to pretend I'm always happy 24/7 because why would I be, is anyone? We all feel different throughout the day, happy, bored, tired, you're not always happy. But the whole "You're always so negative." "You're bringing the mood down." That's pure mindset my friends, the only way you're mood can be brought down is your own thinking. So actually it's your negative emotions bringing you down, not ours. If we are sad and we say something that sounds upsetting, how about trying to listen to us, validate and motivate us. Try to listen to the love behind that sadness and help us focus on that love.

Another thing, I've spoken to several mothers and I am disgusted that people have told them not to post pictures of their "dead child" and telling mothers "you get that their sad". You miss the point, mothers post about their babies because they're proud. How about you stop posting about all the things you love, how about that. So if anyone has thought like this with me, if you feel you can't deal with looking at my photos of Sophia then you should be ashamed of yourself and please stop following me.

I had my baby, I don't get to bring my baby out in public to show the world that I'm proud but I can post photos to show people my pride and love. I post them because they make me proud, not sad. Why the hell would I post a photo if I was sad? If I was sad I wouldn't post anything, so far on day's I've been sad I've just cried to Dan and binge-watched movies. So next time I post a photo and you think this is so sad, try to change that and think "wow, she had a beautiful girl." It shouldn't be something that makes you uncomfortable, and if it is, please learn to get comfortable. I mean, if you posted a photo of your dead relative or dog as a memory I wouldn't think that was weird, so why do people care if I post a picture of my angel. It's about celebrating their life and memory right? So allow us parents to do that too.

I get it though I do, I'll be honest, before I was ever pregnant I thought just like you. "Oh if I miscarry, they didn't really exist anyways so it'll be fine" that was something I tried convincing myself in the early days of pregnancy, I'm angry at the fact I tried to tell myself this, because I was so wrong. What people don't realise is the second parents learn they're pregnant that's the start of their anxieties, that's the start of their love and that's the very beginning of parenthood because we go into protective mode. We try not to imagine hopes and dreams because we don't want to hurt if we lose our baby. But there's no avoiding it, when you find out your pregnant, your future is envisioned with so much love and endless possibilities. Your world becomes happier and scarier all at the one time and that's why there is so much pain in this kind of loss. That is why even after losing our babies, we are still parents and we still long to protect their name because that is the only way we can protect them.

Papa's love for Sophia

Although it is sad we lost our baby, we have learned more about ourselves, about true love and about real pride. We smile daily, we cry sometimes but we laugh and smile way more if you'd just allow yourself to see that. Let yourself see that we are proud parents, wish us a happy fathers/ mothers day. Tell us you're thinking of us if you're not sure what to say. Be excited for us that we had our little angel. Celebrate occasions with us. We're going to celebrate with or without you but by you not acknowledging us, you make our day seem less significant to others.

I know some people will read this and they'll think it's aimed at them, maybe it is. But if you think it is then maybe it's time you look at the way you're reacting. If you have to question yourself then you feel bad for some reason, It may be nothing to do with me, it could be to do with someone else you have avoided but if you do feel the aim is at you, it's time you reflect and break the silence. To clarify, it's not aimed at anyone. It's a general message because it's a common feeling us bereaved parents get. Ask your friend what they need, maybe they don't want messages, some people choose not to celebrate these days but there is never any harm in asking a friend what they need. Don't take offence, just own the fact you were scared to message us and that you didn't want to upset us. Start letting us know you're proud of us, and stop avoiding us especially on important days.

We won't get to hear first words, watch the first steps, experience the first day at school, graduation etc. But what we do get is mothers day, fathers day, and Sophia's birthday. If people don't acknowledge us on these days then we don't even get that. You're actions make us sad if you actually messaged us we'd smile and this post would be much happier because that would boost the pride and love we feel.

I've recently learned 1 in 4 couples face a miscarriage, 1 in 80 pregnancies are ectopic and 1 in 180 couples face a stillbirth. That's a lot of baby loss and a lot of people who need the same acknowledgement everyone else gets. Allow us to be proud parents, allow us to show the world our love for our babies. Allow us to speak without feeling like we shouldn't. My friends, who have been so good with talking to me know that conversations can be positive, especially when you just talk to us about her, why? Because Sophia was the best thing to happen to us that's why and that's what people need to start seeing.

Princess Sophia

In my blogs please try to see the happiness I have in having Sophia, and the sadness I have because people refuse to see my happiness. When I post pictures please know I'm happy, if you want to comment or message me, tell me how proud I must be to have a gorgeous girl and I'll tell you exactly how proud I am. You don't need to tell me how you're sorry, it's been 2 months. I'm not over losing my baby but as a smart man once told me we learn to let go of loss, never of love and I love Sophia, I always will. That's what you need to accept. I don't need to accept I've lost her, I mean acceptance is inevitable with grief but you need to accept that I will speak about her, I will share her because it is my way to keep her memory. We never got to make memories like everyone else gets with loved ones, but we did make little memories in the four days we got to hold her and the seven months I carried her with love. You need to accept that when I post, I'm sharing her life with the world because I'm proud. I mean she even has a blog named after her, doesn't that just show the love I have and pride I feel?

If you know someone who has lost a baby, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal, infant death or child loss, let them know you see their pride. You see the hopes and dreams they had and the love they feel. Tell them that they inspire you, that their little angel would be smiling. Start listening to our pregnancy stories, the happiness in them. Start allowing our little one's to live through us, because whether you allow it or not, they do. Our babies have taken apart of us with them and a part of them is left with us, we can't get rid of that love and it's not something I will ever apologise for because it is beyond words the best feeling I've ever had.

Let parents tell you how proud they are, stop focusing on the negatives and start realising the positives. It's something I've learned even I have to do. I let other people's reactions upset me, but I don't need other people. I have Dan and we have Sophia. We are a family. I'm damn proud of my family and I will continue to let people know that, the same way you do.

Smiling for Sophia

But hey, I guess If I feel upset by peoples reactions it's because Sophia is the most important thing to me, protective mummy is still in full action and if I post because I'm proud of Dan on Father's Day, believe me, I did think it would give people the idea to maybe, you know, send him a damn message. I did think it would help people realise we were celebrating and not mourning. It's like if you posted something really important and no one acknowledged you, a bit of a kick to the face really. So really I want people to know we are happy, nothing will change that. I will shed some tears at times, but that's important too. We smile more and celebrate Sophia more, we don't mourn her, we celebrate having her and loving her still. I do know those who reach out to us, we know they're real friends. So I'm not letting these negative emotions bring my vibe down, I'm smiling for my Sophia. Whether you smile with me or not, is completely up to you. Remember the way you're feeling is down to your own mindset, if you feel my positivity and focus on the love I have, then you'll smile. If you focus on the sadness that comes with baby loss, then, of course, your mood will come down. Mindset my friends, only you have control of yours. So that's it, I've broken my silence.

Smile with the angels who know that behind that sadness is so much love. Smile because that love and pride will always win over the sadness that will fade. Smile to celebrate "the forgotten parents". Smile because I'm smiling with happiness for having my beautiful Sophia.