Baby loss, a side people don't see

On the 27 March 2020, we brought Sophia home in a Moses basket for premature babies, it was lent to us by NMH Holles Street, as we had a long journey home from Dublin City to Co.Mayo. After thanking the lovely midwives who cared for us, we made our way out the corridor to the elevator where another lady stood. She was holding her car seat and looking proud. She smiled at me, complimented the Moses basket and asked me where I got it from. I was speechless, my heart sank. I think to myself she doesn't know my baby is dead. I tell her the hospital gave it to me. I feel quite awkward and panicked, so I ask Dan to take the stairs rather than having to get in an elevator with people.

Although I'm proud to be Sophia's mummy, I feel a lot of shame and guilt towards myself. Mummys are supposed to protect right? So why could I not protect Sophia? How useless could I be! Why do I have to cry and feel like I deserve this pain, is it for not being a good mummy? What did I do for this happen? Then after being so angry with myself. Dan tells me to stop it! Stop blaming yourself, the doctor told you it was not your fault and there was nothing you could do. He's right isn't he, I'm punishing myself for something I didn't do. So why do my thoughts punish me? I tell myself to stop listening to my thoughts and start focusing on the emotion behind them. It's a fun rollercoaster of negative emotions trying to outpass the positive ones. I think back to that hospital corridor, and I feel I had nothing to be ashamed about, I need to focus on the pride I feel and stop worrying about what people may think!

Once we are back in Co. Mayo, I decide I will no longer stand for it, I will now stand tall when people talk to me in public. I decide to face the world and go to the supermarket, facing people for the first time. I see one person I know and I break down in Tesco car park. The embarrassment I feel consumes me, the fear and guilt returns. I'm useless, I can't do anything right. When will I ever learn! But once again, my fantastic fiancé lets me cry, he lets me talk about my thoughts and then he tells me I'm strong, he tells me to take my advice for once and to listen to my emotions. (I'm a mental health nurse for those who don't know.) He's right though, why do I feel embarrassed about the one thing all humans do, we all cry. Don't try to hide it, it's what we do. Crying is how your body releases stress and negative emotions, holding it in just hurts your mental health. Stop holding it in, you're only hurting yourself. Stop worrying about what others think! So I cry, and now when I cry I tell myself how strong I am, not how weak I am.

I decide I won't try to go outside the house again for a while, because I need to work on myself. But slowly I start to build up time out, I go for short walks, don't worry it's within the 2km COVID 19 guidelines. On my walks I see people who know me, they look at me but they don't say anything. They don't even say hello. I begin to feel embarrassed and ashamed. I think Oh my god, they know! They're scared to talk to me because they know my baby died. They're probably pitying me but I don't want pity, I want them to say hello. Why didn't they say hello? How useless do they think I am?

Once again I cry. I cry because I feel ashamed again, I think of how they're response would have been different if I was pushing Sophia in a pram and I feel overwhelmed with sadness. But quickly this sadness turns into anger, my family see the snappy side of Steffi, and they know I need to talk. Another day I'm out walking with my dad and my dad explains to a lady who I was and how I lost Sophia. You see, the lady apologised to my dad as my uncle sadly also passed away a week after we buried Sophia. But when my dad explained who Sophia and I was, the lady, she didn't respond. She just changed the subject. And I just stayed quiet. Once again, I'm speechless. I go home with dad and I'm angry. Why didn't she say anything? How dare she not acknowledge me or my baby! It rips my heart more. I just cry. I once again feel people are judging me. People not acknowledging me or turning away, they confirm my thoughts for me, how useless I must be.

But then I remind myself, Stephanie come on, you're a bloody psych nurse, stop listening to your thoughts and start focusing on the emotion behind them. Use the "Feelings Wheel" by Dr Gloria Willcox if you need help to break down the true feelings behind your thoughts. (Thanks to my cousin Siobhán for reminding me that exists.)

The Feelings Wheel by Dr Gloria Willcox

I write out all those negative thoughts, it begins to work and I turn them into poetry. I can't believe something I've asked patients to do works, I recommend it to everyone now! Those negative thoughts, they are just feelings of shame coming from guilt but ultimately they're created by sadness and anger. This is grief. Thanks grief for really messing my head up and making me paranoid. I realise people don't mean any harm, but my thoughts make me think they do or that people don't care. But thoughts, they're all opinions, not fact. I know that much thanks to my profession.

So I tell myself to cry, I tell myself to talk to people when I feel angry or when I'm feeling sad. I tell myself to stop hiding. Stop. You are proud of Sophia, you are proud to be her mummy, stop letting these negative emotions take away that positive one and start focusing on the pride you feel. The love for Sophia that is so very real.

I tell my mum and my sister how I truly feel, that people have possibly avoided me in public, people have looked me in the face and haven't said anything to me. How it has made me paranoid and angry. How it has made me feel like I was useless and how I felt so much guilt. I tell them I know some may avoid me because they don't know what to say and that's ok. Maybe others don't fully understand or even see me but my negative emotions make me think like they did. Either way, I know I can't let these emotions take over my positive ones. My mum agrees with me, we talk about baby loss and I tell her how many babies forever beds (graves) I've noticed in Swinford. Next time your there, look. There's a lot more than you may believe. I tell her how many women have reached out to me who have been through the same thing, some even from the same town and I had never known. I feel angry because I can't believe in this day and age people don't know how to respond to baby loss or support people going through it?

In reality, even I don't know how to respond, firstly loss is unique to everyone and we will all need and want different things. Secondly, the loss of a baby or child, it's so unnatural it scares us. But I know what has comforted me so far, people valuing the fact I've had Sophia, that my baby was very much real. So from my own experience, I would say hi to those parents, and if I felt awkward I would tell them I'm sorry and that I don't know what to say because even saying that, it's acknowledgement. I would congratulate them on having a beautiful baby and I would tell them how much I admire their strength. I would tell them I'm sorry their baby couldn't stay with them and if they need to talk I'm here. I would speak their babies name proudly, because I feel hearing others say Sophia's name meant she existed! It's my favourite thing, to hear someone say her name. I would tell those parents not to listen to those negative thoughts that come with grief, find the emotion that creates them and work on those emotions. Change your thought patterns to positive ones. If you are telling yourself you're useless, remind yourself of the loss you have just faced. You went through the pain/discomfort of labour plus child loss all at the one time. But you are the strongest mama and papa. You have faced your world crumbling to pieces, your heart being ripped apart with no control but day by day you fix your world, because that is how we deal with this pain, it's all we can control. If you feel sad, you cry. If you feel angry, you talk. Let it out. Stop hiding and stop listening to your thoughts that make you feel ashamed or guilty. Everyone knows you've had a baby but everyone's scared to talk about it. How about we stop being scared and start being kind to ourselves.

St. Stephen's Night 2019. (Sophia as bump).

For those who know us baby angel parents, ask us what we need or want. I've openly told my friends to just say Sophia's name and talk to me about her. Tell us you visited their forever bed. Ask us how we've been or bring up a memory of a baby you may have. I know there probably isn't many but there are more than you think. For me, my friend's have been great at that, they've reminded me of certain events I was pregnant for. One's where I can pull out photos and say Sophia was there. We need to be able to talk about our babies and not feel like we need to hide and pretend they didn't exist.

I want people to say hello to me, I want to hear Sophia's name. I know there are parents out there who have lost babies and have had no choice but to just hide it, but I also know the pain those parents carry because no matter how hard you try to hide it, you will never forget. I know parents who were forced to hide away their pain, who long to be able to talk but are scared because that's how society made them feel and continue to do. But It's 2020, the stigma of baby loss should be well gone! That's what we would all hope for but we are still working towards that.

Talk about Her. Written by Stephanie Maloney

I am here for all angel baby parents, talk to me if you need to hear your baby's name. Your baby was very real, and so are all these emotions you feel. For friends of those who have faced baby loss and child loss, try to help those parents find the courage, to not feel ashamed because they shouldn't feel ashamed, help them to see the other side of those negative emotions that come with grief. Realise that baby loss is not something parents get over but it is something parents learn to live with.

Show them the Feelings Wheel, help them realise that their thoughts are linked to emotions created by grief. If you work on the emotion, it will help you. In 10 years, I know I will still cry for losing Sophia. But the fact is, this is part of baby loss and unconditional love. My Sophia, she was very real, she was our baby. Only we could create her and we lost her. All angel babies, they are unique creations, their parents feel unconditional love for them. They lost part of themselves but that love doesn't go and they continue to stay strong.

We can speak our babies names proudly to those who understand the pain, we can talk about our babies to our families, so lets make it easier to speak their name in public. Let's have a few awkward conversations that will someday turn into normal ones. Let's stop caring about what other people think, let's focus more on our pride and love for our baby. When I feel like talking about Sophia, I'll do it, awkward or not. Maybe my views will change because I'm only in the early stages of my grief, but my heart tells me they won't. I know Sophia would be proud of us, I know she'd be smiling at her mummy because I'm speaking the hard truth. Once again, I'm smiling, I'm smiling for the pride and love I feel, I'm smiling for the other angel babies and like always, I'm smiling for Sophia. I hope you will too.

My Smile. Written by Stephanie Maloney