Another December and New Year

Another December without you and another December where we were hit with a virus, but this time it was the common cold!! Luckily the feileacain paint workshop was on zoom so I could turn off the mic and the camera and just focus on time spent painting for Sophia. Again it helped take pressure away and allowed me to include Sophia in my December memories. Another fantastic workshop enjoyed.

Between supporting fundraisers and having a cold Decembers weeks flew by and I'm still unsure of how it's nearly 3 years since I last held Sophia.

That's the hard part about entering a new year, as exciting as it is for others, for me it's a reminder of how I've physically had to leave my beautiful girl in the past and can never hold her again. The most painful fact of it all.

But as usual I feel through the grief and therapise myself. I decorated for her, I created for her and I included her in any way that eases the holidays for me and my heart. The best thing is some people still included her in our Christmas cards, something my heart is so grateful for and always will be so again if your ever wondering whether to include Sophia in our card, please do. Whether you say angel Sophia or Sophia both are perfect to read in every way.

And now we've entered this new year and I'm currently getting ready to go on a trip to see Dan's parents in Spain. Our first trip since precovid times and again with that comes all those bittersweet emotions and while I type this my eyes are welling up because oh how different life was supposed to be.

Our last trip to Spain was while pregnant with Sophia, we imagined bringing her to see Dan's parents, to visit the beaches and see the joy on her face as she tried chocolate con churros. I guess I'm grieving what we never got to experience together, but I'm also excited because my rainbow baby can experience everything I once dreamed Sophia would.

I can already see how amazed he will be when he sees the planes since he is vehicle mad!! I'll get to see the joy on his face when we go to the beach, and when he shares chocolate con churros with his mummy. I know my heart will feel grateful for these moments with him but I'll also feel sad because Sophia didn't get to share in the joy with us.

I wish that she was here to look at the planes with Sam, to build sandcastles together on the beach and share chocolate goodness together as siblings do. It's just so bittersweet isn't it!

They say the first of everything is hard after loss, I know the grief I'm feeling right now will ease as I find ways to include Sophia in our first family holiday to her abuelos in Spain.

I know this is part of life after loss and while others may wonder how a holiday has triggered my grief, I know it's triggered because its our first family trip to Dan's parents. To me it's not about holidays, it's about the fact that visiting her grandparents in Spain can never be experienced by her.

I will be embracing time with my rainbow in Spain and including Sophia in any way that I can. I know the grief anticipation will be harder than the actual trip. That is grief after all and I'm still here smiling for Sophia, for Sam and for life experiences.