A new identity

I've often been described as that kind, caring, bubbly, chatty, smiley girl but recently I'm described and known as "that poor girl who lost her baby." Don't deny it, I know you've thought it or you may have even said it. Some people have called me a "poor thing" to my face.

I cried about this back in April, I didn't want to be known as "that poor girl who lost her baby". But the looks people gave me, those sorrowful pity looks I still receive four months later are the cause of the stigma we bereaved mothers face.

I understand these looks because our situation is sad. But while I received these looks my brain told me I was useless. This is what those sorrowful pity looks make us think. This is why many of us mothers feel that shame and want to hide. This is the stigma we face.

These looks made me hate having this new identity. I remember crying telling my sister I didn't want to be known as that poor girl who lost her baby but yet I was proud to have Sophia. I wanted people to see this but they wouldn't.

Four months later and I embrace my new identity. I finally don't care what others think of me because I know my fiancé and Sophia would be proud of the strength I have shown. I embrace my new identity because my new identity is being a mother.

I was always going to have a new identity. If Sophia had survived I would have been that loving protective mother and since having Sophia all I have been is that loving protective mother. It was inevitable.

There is a change in me that's come with this new identity. I've always said when Sophia passed away a part of me went with her and a part of Sophia stays with me. This part of me is the love, and pride I often talk about. But there's another thing Sophia has brought to me, and my mama in-law pointed it out for me. Sophia has given me confidence.

A lot of other bereaved mothers have described me as confident, but this confidence comes from Sophia. She has given me a voice I never knew I had, but I believe it was also always going to come with Sophia because she made me a mum.

So I will continue to be a mother, a bereaved mother but still a mother. So I will continue to smile for all us bereaved mummys and our new identity and like always I'll smile for Sophia.