A fear of her being forgotten.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is my need to hear Sophia's name said by someone who is not me. I've wondered why none of my other losses affected me in this way and through a lot of deep thought I've come to a conclusion on it.

With my other losses, people got to meet them. People made memories with them. So they'll never be forgotten, and I know that. But with Sophia, her life was only beginning and she never got the chance to truly leave her mark. People didn't get to meet her. People didn't get to make memories. Yet her life impacted mine massively, more than any other person in this world apart from her papa.

I guess maybe it comes from a fear of her being forgotten. I know no one will ever forget her, but yet as time goes on I feel lonelier as people speak to me less about Sophia. As they say "life goes on."

I know my family and friends didn't forget Sophia, but because I'm the main person who speaks about her It feels like sometimes she is forgotten about. I told myself to stop thinking this way because I know people care, but as I've said before our thoughts can make it hard. I've had moments where my thoughts have told me to stop speaking about her, "others have forgotten, they want you to just forget as well." Then I remind myself my thoughts are opinions based off the emotion I'm feeling, and in reality I just feel alone. So I tell myself to keep talking, I don't care if people avoid me. I guess it's just part of being a protective mother, we love talking about our babies, don't we!

Baby Sophia

But also with other losses, I already had the identity of being their niece or their granddaughter but with the loss of Sophia came a brand new identity of being a mother. A brand new me navigating through life wondering what's normal and what's not.

They have antenatal classes for new mama's but none of them prepares you for this. How do you be a loss mother? Do we get a few weeks of sympathy and then have to move on with life and forget the fact we endured labour, had our baby but their no longer with us? Just forget about them and move on? Because sometimes that's how society makes me feel.

I notice it more as time goes by, comments, likes etc all declined in a matter of weeks. Messages, phone calls, people stopped checking in. As if my grief no longer exists, as if I didn't lose my baby or need help to survive this. But I've come to learn I shouldn't need people, and those who still check in with me should be the only people I care about. My immediate family are the ones who speak openly about Sophia and I'm so lucky that I have them because if I didn't, honestly I'd be completely lost.

But this is why pregnancy loss is known as the loneliest grief, it's because people won't spend five minutes of their lives uncomfortable to make five minutes of ours that little bit more bearable. I wish we lived in a kinder non judgemental world.

Ireland, in particular, has a terrible understanding of grief. People prefer to avoid being uncomfortable so I guess they may avoid me but I'll keep speaking about Sophia, some things just won't change! I fear her being forgotten by others, but she can never be forgotten as long as her mummy speaks as proudly as I do! For those grieving, I'll keep highlighting how normal and important it is to be allowed to grieve. As always I'll keep smiling for Sophia, I'll keep speaking her name.