A COVID Christmas

It's around 3 am, I wake up to find his body ice-cold, his lips turning purply blue. I immediately pull him out of his cot, he cries and I hug him apologising for the panic I felt at that moment. I check his temperature and it's spiking, I go into nurse mode, cool air flowing through the room, baby ibuprofen and paracetamol at the ready along with cool towels to help him cool down. My rainbow has COVID 19. We have COVID for Christmas.

As I sing three little kittens, the wheels on the bus twinkle twinkle to keep him calm I watch as his temperature stabilises, only to spike every couple of hours. As he rests, I can breathe and with that breath, I run to the bathroom to vomit.

I've never been one to get sick with anxiety but when I lost Sophia my immediate reaction once shock sunk in was to vomit, my body responded the same to finding my rainbow sick.

With each temperature spike over that 48 hours, Samson's lips would turn purple, reminding me each time of Sophia's lips changing colour. We didn't allow COVID to ruin our Christmas and my view of COVID has not changed.

We went up to visit Sophia when we knew no one would be there, we spent time trying to make Samson's first Christmas as special as Sophia's should have been.

In my lifetime I have had pneumonia twice, followed by having chest infections with every cold as a result of my scarred lungs. COVID was a mild head cold for me, a cough and some sniffles. I was sicker the summer of 2019 when I was in and out of hospital during three months of the summer with a "viral infection". Once I got COVID I felt angry again because of the big deal that was made the past 2 years. I know people died but people die every day. People die from infections, flu, viruses, not just the COVID virus. When we lost Sophia we watched people who had died from the virus be tributed to on RTE. While my Sophia who died for no known reason was unacknowledged by many. So now as the government say goodbye to restrictions, all I can do is facepalm and say thank you to the stupid people who isolated those grieving for a virus that will forever exist and continue to kill people now and then, as every other virus and illness does. I know there will be people who are outraged by this blog but the reality is this is life. I'm not being morbid, I'm being honest, we were always going to have to learn to live with COVID.

So while my rainbow was sick with COVID 19, my grief deepened, my anger returned but it never lasts. I will always have moments of anger because it will never be fair. But as I watch my rainbow who is back to his happy self, I never take a single moment for granted so while my grief comes with all these negative emotions, it also makes me a very grateful person.